The Rants of a Single Lady in the ONLINE Dating Game: Part 1

Let me start off by saying I am no expert in dating, love, or men.

In fact, I am FAR from being an expert. I’ve had 3 boyfriends, all of which were in high school and lasted between 1 to 4 months and another interesting relationship that I’m not exactly sure how to classify. I’ve tried one online dating site out of millions and I’ve only just started to intentionally date this year, 6 months ago in fact. As you can see, my scope of knowledge on the dating subject is actually very limited and I have no intention of claiming that I’m infinitely knowledgeable.

Life is all about your experiences and that is what I plan on sharing. The experiences that I have had thus far in the dating game. If you tend to be one of those easily offendable types, then you should probably go read something else. Since I’m writing the blog, you can go ahead and assume that they are going to be from the female perspective (as I’m a female). I try to steer clear of generalizations, but please forgive me if I make one. Or two. I KNOW NOT ALL GUYS ARE DULL, OKAY?! There are plenty of awesome men that I have met and that are, unfortunately, married or unavailable. This blog is about the dating game and those men that I have met. So, take it for what it’s worth to you. No, I do not want your negative feedback or things that I could have or should have done differently. I am well aware that I’m not perfect and have (and still am) making mistakes. If anything, I hope you can have a good laugh from reading.

Please note: The names below are fake. I have enough decency to respect a person’s privacy and have no intention of humiliating someone via a blog post. Rest assured, all other circumstances in each date are real.

Date #1: Duke.
Duke and I met for lunch at Exile Brewery about 3 months ago. I figured lunch was less formal than dinner and therefore would be less awkward. I think that’s a pretty fair statement, right? Duke immediately stuck out to me. He had a great sense of humor and was attractive from what I could tell of his pictures. He was an artist, which I found very interesting. I’ve never had the ability to really dive into art or understand it. We talked for a couple weeks then decided to meet for lunch. Honestly, our date went really well. I was relieved to discover he acted the same in person as he did online and conversation flowed easily. I found out we were complete opposites. Duke tended to live life casually and did not have a lot of drive or ambition. He was a “go with the flow” type of guy that essentially had sailed through life.  No, I did not say that “go with the flow” types of people are lazy or that all of them sail through life.  He literally described himself as being this way.  I, on the other hand, strive  to live a busy life that is full of purpose and am extremely ambitious.  There were definitely some “bumps” on the date, but I considered them minor and simply the result of contrasting personalities.  Opposites attract, right?  He paid for lunch and hugged me at the door. We decided that we would go on a second date and said our quick goodbyes. That was that.
Until……
Duke decided that he wanted to send me his blog to view. I was excited to read his blog as I had mentioned that I had just gotten into blogging on our date.  Being an artist, I was interested to see what his blog was all about. Turns out, his blog was full of naked women. No, I am not joking. Pictures and pictures that were so graphic I felt like they were etched into my mind weeks later. It is so crazy how you can meet someone and not really know them despite spending hours conversing with him.  Nothing he said gave me the impression that he was into plastering images of naked women on a Tumblr account.  I gave him an out and asked him if these pictures were a part of his “artistic” inspiration. I mean, artists paint naked people, right? He admitted that they were not and he simply “liked them.” My first online date was with a porn addict. I know this is the reason many people refuse to online date so I was hesitant in sharing this story, but I think this is honestly pretty rare. I am so thankful that he shared this with me up front and I had nothing invested. Also, just so you know, I gave a very polite response back to him that consisted something along the lines of “That’s not something that I’m really interested in but thanks for paying for my meal. Have a good one!” Let’s be real. I could have been a lot meaner.

Date 2: Anthony.
Ohhh, Anthony. I thought Anthony really had potential (over text). After the porn addict, I decided to wait a little bit before meeting anyone in person. Yes, I gave out my cell phone number. No, not right away. It took about a month until I forked it over. SORRY, MOMMA! Anyways, Anthony and I clicked (over text).  He had the most interesting job ever: entomologist (study of bugs, what?!?!?!).  I had felt nervous for the previous date, but this time, I felt ready. I felt excited. I made the plan to meet at Fongs which was my current obsession. Okay, it’s still my obsession. I had also told him if he played his cards right he may be invited to hang out with my group of friends later on that evening. Girls, do NOT invite guys to do anything with you post-date until it’s actually post-date. Before you say anything, I never admitted to having any common sense. Anyways, Anthony ended up being as dull as a box of nails. Thank God I am a talker, or the date would have been one of the most awkward situations of my life. He answered with short, one-word or one-sentence responses and did not ask anything about me in return. We split the meal, which I was okay with considering the date had been going terribly. After a horrid hour-long eating fest, Anthony asked me if he had been playing his cards right. WHAT IS A GIRL SUPPOSED TO SAY? Yes, I got myself into this mess and had no idea how to get out. I ended up telling him he was doing alright and that if he wanted to come out he could but that it might be awkward and loud, (insert every other possible excuse to deter someone from wanting to go out with you here), etc. etc. and he still accepted. Ugh. A quick text out to all my friends revealed how awful my date was going and that it was going to be continuing. I forgot to mention that this kid went the bathroom 7 TIMES during our 3 hour long excursion. Bless his little heart. I’m not sure if he was insanely nervous, had a really small bladder, or just was socially awkward. 3 of those 7 happened during our 1 hour dinner with 4 happening in the next 2 hours following.  We were not drinking enough to have to go the bathroom that frequently in case you were wondering. We met up with the group and he proceeded to be utterly silent for the next 2 hours unless probed a question, in which he answered in his typical one-word or one-sentence response style. Around 10:00p, I called it quits and faked being tired and asked if he was ready to go. Luckily he was and he walked me out to the parking lot where my car was and leaned in for a kiss. OH. NO. I literally panicked and quickly wrapped my arms around his neck, turned my head, and gave him a quick hug.  I spat out a “goodnight” and walked hastily to my car.  As I mentioned earlier, I’m aware of the mistakes I made on this date and how I should have been direct with him that it wasn’t going well and let him off the hook, etc. but it’s VERY hard to do that when on a date and with someone you essentially made post-date plans with (again, a mistake. told you I am aware of them!). He mentioned on our date that he had been on quite a few previous dates where he texted the girl to follow-up on a second and they simply ignored him, which he obviously didn’t like. Now, I know I made the mistake of not being honest with him right away but I did follow-up with him the next day to tell him that I didn’t think it was going to work out but appreciated the time he took out of his night to hang out and wished him luck on his future.  No response. For someone that is pissed that people are not responding to you, you should at least have the decency to respond back if they were to tell you they aren’t interested. Just saying.
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To be continued… [the next dates aren’t as horrible, I promise!]
Date #3: William.
Date #4: Paul.
Date #5: Mark. (Spoiler: This one is current)

Daring to Be Kind

Last week was “Random Acts of Kindness” week.  My nonprofit organization got our kids’ programs to help create a birthday banner for a little boy in Michigan who was the victim of chronic bullying. I started thinking and planning about what I wanted my week to look like.  Even more importantly, what I wanted my life to look like.

I think the concept of “random acts of kindness” is great.  I think introducing people to the idea based on a “themed week” is okay too, although I wonder how many people really see a behavior or thought change come out of their engagement in a single week’s endeavor.  I am currently working on my thesis project, the goal of which is to measure the impact of community engagement on promoting healthy behavior, and at what level of engagement people tend to feel motivated to change their designated behavior.  It’s hard to know what motivates people , as everyone is different, but I have noticed that a week’s worth of events does not necessarily help an individual improve their health by changing their ideas of a particular health concept.  That is, unless the individual is held accountable, followed up with, surrounded by a supportive environment, and feels engaged with the event.  I guess a little bit of pre-motivation to get involved is always a plus too.

Here’s what I’m trying to get at: Kindness should be shown daily.  It can be random.  It can be planned.  Kindness is less about “doing something good” and more about engaging an individual on a deeper level.  I honestly believe that kindness plays an integral role in a person’s happiness. Over the past year I have become a kinder person, and I have seen a positive shift in my happiness.   I think we underestimate the gift of kindness and how powerful it can truly be. Kindness is world changing.  I found this quote last week and it changed the way I think about the word.

“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.” -Bob Kerrey

Kindness is powerful.  It doesn’t cost a lot (or anything) to give.  And it’s underrated.

Be kind.  Go the extra mile even though “Random Acts of Kindness” week is over.  Be on the lookout for people in need in your city.  Develop a habit of doing something kind for someone on a weekly or even daily basis.  Pay kindness forward.  Let’s stop being a generation that holds onto insults, lies, and grudges.  That lives in the flesh and spreads hateful messages.  Let’s rise up and be a generation of world changers, leaving a handprint of kindness wherever we go.  Let’s shock people with our kindness.  I triple dog dare you.  Be unforgettably kind.

 

Control Freak

I recently read an article on a friend’s Facebook page that talked about how to know if you were a controlling person.  I’m going to be honest, I wanted to read it and find out that I didn’t fit the mold of a controlling person.  I wanted to read the article and not have it affect me or have an impact on me.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and I felt myself agreeing with all of the author’s statements.  

The truth is, I do have the tendency to be a controlling person.  It’s funny how you know something about yourself (yes, I did know I was a controlling person before reading this article), but you simply deny or ignore it.  I think most people tend to do this with their negative qualities.  After all, who wants to go up to their friends and admit that they are a control freak?  Um…no thank you.

I think most tendencies we have as adults can be traced back to elements from our childhood.  How we were raised, what type of atmosphere we grew up in, and how our parents interacted with each other, all had an impact on the way we think, feel, and relate to others.  I often felt like things were out of control as a child, so it only makes sense that I would want to be in control of every aspect of my life as an adult.  

I’ve found that the majority of my controlling tendencies arise in relationships.  I think the most important thing you can do with your negative qualities, rather than deny or ignore them, is to find the root of the tendency.  The author makes a great point when his therapist asks him, “What does it matter why people do what they do? Are you trying to predict behavior to gain a sense of security?”  This is essentially what I am trying to do when my controlling tendencies come out in a relationship.  What is the root of my tendency?  Fear.  Fear that all the people in my life will get tired of me.  Fear that people will abandon me.  Fear that people will no longer love me.  So, because of fear, I attempt to control relationships in order to predict behavior so that I can feel secure.  

So, how do we control our negative tendencies?  How do I control being controlling?  The truth is, I have no idea.  I think some of us may struggle with our negative tendencies for the rest of our lives.  That is not to say that we should let our negative tendencies control us, but we should be aware that they do not simply go away over a day, week, month, or year.  Think about it.  If your negative tendencies were instilled in you as a child, over 20 years ago for me, how can we expect them to go away overnight?  To control our negative tendencies requires a transformation and a renewing of our mind.  Both of which only Jesus can do.

And He does it.  He has done it in me.  I am not the same person that I was a year ago.  I no longer use the “silent treatment” when I am angry with someone.  In fact, I tend to cry and feel hurt instead of angry now.  I am more self-aware of my controlling tendencies and am able to apologize for them.  I care a lot more about the people in my life than before.  I do not feel pressure in relationships.  To top if off, I feel happier now than I have ever been. 

I definitely still have a LONG process ahead of me.  Like I said, it doesn’t happen overnight. Or even in a year.  But the time is coming.  One day I will be completely free.  

 

Article:  Miller, D.  (2014).  How to Know if You’re a Controlling Person. Retrieved from http://storylineblog.com/2014/01/20/how-to-know-if-youre-a-controlling-person/

 

Burned Bridges

I decided to blog again….two years later.  A lot has changed.  I’m no longer an undergraduate.  I have a full-time job.  I have a part-time job.  I am balancing the final portion of my Master’s degree.  I live with a new roommate.  I have new friends.  A new community.  I’ve held a number of “odd-end” jobs.  People have come.  People have gone.

I’ve learned a lot.

I wish I could say that I’ve implemented everything I’ve learned perfectly.  But, that would be a lie.  I get so frustrated with myself when I lean into old tendencies.  For instance, becoming instantly defensive or angry at the slightest hint of criticism, mainly if it is about my character or actions.  It’s a personality flaw.  Sometimes I feel like I take more steps backward than forward.  I know who I want to be.  And that, my friends, makes it all that much harder when you are not living in that identity.

Relationships.  This is probably the area where I have changed the most, but also the area in which I have slid backward the most.  From changing simple patterns like adding an exclamation mark to a text to make it sound less crabby to apologizing quicker than I normally would OR apologizing even if I think it is not my fault.  I lived 18 years of my life the OPPOSITE way.  The person who said “old habits die hard” wasn’t kidding.  There are days when I choose not to put in any effort.  To immediately get defensive.  Sometimes, it just gets exhausting to choose into the identity I was made for.  To add in that extra exclamation mark.  I know that sounds trivial, but it’s true.  We all get tired.  We all fall short.

But what we do in that “shortness” is what really counts.  Apologizing if we need to. Admitting that what we did was wrong.  Attempting to understand where someone is coming from.  I’m going to be the first to admit, I suck at this.  My domineering personality ALWAYS wants to be right.  I’ve lost a lot of friends due to my lack of emotional control and ability to not always be right.  My pride has gotten in the way.  Some of these bridges I’ve mended, and some of them will be broken forever.  I regret many of my past choices.  If only I would have been less “up and down” around them.  If only I would have said sorry sooner. If only I would have just listened to them first without getting defensive.  If only I wouldn’t have used up all my chances by doing the same old crap that they got annoyed by to begin with.  These types of thoughts only weigh you down, or so I’ve realized.  It’s not healthy to hold onto regrets or think about past situations and what you could have done to improve them.  Instead, I choose to focus on the steps that I have made in improving myself and my relationships with others.  Because the truth is, I have made a lot of improvements and have a lot to be proud of.

It’s not easy.  I have to remind myself every day to choose to be better. Thankfully, there is a Savior that loves me no matter if I’m angry or if I’m happy.  No matter if I choose the easy road or the hard one.  He doesn’t care if I yell at him.  I can rest in that.  That no matter what I do, He will love me unconditionally.  100 percent.  No strings attached.

The same isn’t true for humans.  People will let you down.  People will hurt you.  People will tear you down and watch you fail with delight.  I’ve been one of those people.

I’ve also been one of those people that forgives.  In the hard places, I have extended grace because people have shown me grace and mercy.  I want to thank you if you are one of those people.  Thank you for your forgiveness.  Thank you for extending grace and mercy even when I do the unthinkable.  Thank you for helping me up when I fall down.  Thank you for giving me a second chance.  A third, a fourth, a fifth, a thirty-seventh, a sixty-fifth (no really).

Because even though I mess up, I am learning.  Every mistake I make, there is an equivalent lesson learned.  I grow each and every time into the person that I want to be.

Into the person that I’m made to be.

And that choice…to become that person, will hopefully become easier and easier as I embark deeper in my relationship with Jesus and learn from the supportive community around me.

new directions.

I never thought in a million years that I would write a blog.  I’m not the greatest writer, nor am I very creative.  To top it off, I know absolutely nothing about “html” and how to make your blogs look “cool.” As you can probably tell by the template (I have been attempting to teach myself the ‘lingo’.)  This blog will, therefore, be for its content, though I can’t guarantee that the content will interest you much either.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure if this will become routine, or if it is simply a “one-time” deal.

If I haven’t lost you yet, this blog is for me. I used to find writing therapeutic, and for some reason, have lost touch with it entirely. I hope you don’t find that selfish, and obviously I would love it if people read my blog and could relate with what I’m saying, but my intention is to rediscover and pursue the passion I once had for writing.

Lately, I have started to think a lot about my life.  Mostly the relationships that I have made since starting college. I’m not sure if it is because it’s my last semester at Drake and graduation is just around the corner, or if I have just been in an eternal reminiscing type of mood, but either way, it has really started to eat away at me.

I have spent my entire four years at Drake making friends and then losing them.  It has happened in a variety of different ways with a variety of different people, sometimes mutual, sometimes not, but either way, distance is not an abstract concept to me.  I tend to develop a lot of superficial relationships, and invest my “free” time only in a handful. My definition of superficial is simple.  You probably don’t know a lot about me.  I most likely have not been vulnerable with you.  I would venture to guess that only a handful of people truly know me; the ones that I decided to invest my time in.

My relationships tend to run in a cycle.  As I get close to one person, distance develops towards another. My “free” time becomes valuable and is only devoted to the one that I am starting to know.  It becomes an “all-or-nothing” type of relationship. Strangely enough, I did not realize this was a problem until recently. God has really been speaking to me over the last week or so about love.  Not the temporary, superficial love that I was giving out to most people, but unconditional, unwaivering, abundant love, regardless of whether the relationship was superficial, intimate, close, distant, love, hate. A love not based on circumstances or judgment, but a love full of endless grace and compassion.

Crazy. Right?

Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love” is really messing me up.  If you have not read it, you probably should. By Chapter 4 I felt the utmost conviction and had to quit reading momentarily to examine myself. Was I truly living my life as called by the Gospel?  Was I purposefully and intently trying to advance the Kingdom? Was I giving as much as I was receiving?  Was I living my life entirely for God?  The answer to all of these questions was “no.”

John Wimber once said, “In Gods Kingdom, you only get to keep that which you give away.”  I think this statement speaks volumes about how I need to live my life as a daughter in the Kingdom. No longer am I willing to not bear fruit. I want to be an active member in the advancement of the Kingdom on Drake’s campus, in the city of Des Moines, and in the world. Even more importantly, I want to bring others with me. I want to begin to invest my valuable “free” time in others besides my close friends, giving away what I have received instead of holding it for myself.  I want to learn how to love and live my life entirely for God.

I’m being pulled in a different direction. Am I ready?